The Parent's Guide to "Computer Slang"

Check this out. Microsoft published this article last month: A parent's primer to computer slang. It's basically a bunch of bullshit about how parents understanding l33t may help them protect their children. In case you're to lazy to click the link, here are some high points:

• The suffix "0rz" is often appended to words for emphasis or to make them plural. For example, "h4xx0rz," "sk1llz0rz," and "pwnz0rz," are plural or emphasized versions (or both) of hacks, skills, and owns.
• "pr0n": An anagram of "porn," possibly indicating the use of pornography.
• "pwn": A typo-deliberate version of own, a slang term used to express superiority over others that can be used maliciously, depending on the situation. This could also be spelled "0\/\/n3d" or "pwn3d," among other variations. Online video game bullies or "griefers" often use this term.
• "roxx0rs" Used in place of "rocks," typically to describe something impressive.
• "sploitz" (short for exploits): Vulnerabilities in computer software used by hackers.

Oh, and before you leave the article, be sure to indicate that the information was not useful, so some overpayed business major can lose his job. It would be another small victory for the good side overshadowed by the wave of evil threatening to destroy the electronic world.

Awesome Headlines

• Man in hospital after being shot by his cat
• Dog subpoenaed to testify in owner's murder trial
• Police taser man who refused to pee in a cup
• South Africa's women soccer team to be given tighter t-shirts to attract fans for 2007 World Cup bid
• Judge orders 20-year-old woman to be shaved bald, stripped and forced to ride around town on a donkey
• Army says Dungeons & Dragons players are detached from reality and automatically given a low security clearance
• Reporter goes undercover for story on sex with minors; has sex with minor to avoid blowing his cover
• Conman brags about ID theft scam on national TV. Will emerge from jail in four years with an ass like a wizard's sleeve
• Robot loses to teenage girl in arm-wrestling contest. Skynet goes back to the drawing board
• Having solved all other issues in Texas, state legislators legalize cupcakes in school
• The pope receives over 20,000 emails in three days. No word yet if penis enlargement program for the pope has been as effective
• God smites 73 sheep in one blow

Bush Determined To Find Warehouse

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise press conference Monday, President Bush said he will not rest until the warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant, the vessel holding the original Ten Commandments, is located. "Nazis stole the Ark in 1936, but it was recovered by a single patriot, who braved gunfire, rolling boulders, and venomous snakes," Bush said, addressing the White House press corps. "Sadly, due to bureaucratic rigmarole, this powerful, historic relic was misplaced in a warehouse. Mark my words: We will find that warehouse." Bush added that, after they are strengthened by the power of the Ark, U.S. forces will seek out and destroy the sinister Temple of Doom.

The Onion | 23 February 2005

The Easter Bunny is real. I swear.

I saw the eastern bunny stealing my sandwich. That goddamn rabbit is real. Now I'm very pissed because I have proof that he's real, though I now have no sandwich. Damnit. Well, I suppose that it would be best to get my sandwich back, so I'll post later on how it went getting it back.

*Edit:

This was the most difficult raid I have ever performed, and I was at the great Zergling rush of '97, so that's saying something. Following the insidious furred mammal, I was lead deep into enemy territory. Gigantic, obnoxiously bright-colored eggs marked the path, and pink and yellow streamers dangled menacingly from the ceiling. As I passed key guard stations, I was forced to snuff out the lives of several chocolate novelty chickens that tryed to deter me from proceeding. Fortunately, I was well equipped for the endeavor. Two katanas, a 50 calibur boar rifle, twin sawed-off shotguns, and roughly 30 throwing daggers were my guardians on this perilous journey.

The only real combat I faced up until I reached the interior of the stronghold was a group of bunny-ninjas skilled in the art of Bunjutsu. They gave me a challenge, but they were no match shotguns. They acted as the sentries to the inner sanctum of Easter Egg Keep, but they dropped like flies before my wrath. Finally, many hours of bloodshed later, I reached the lair of the easter bunny. As I walked into the room, I was gripped by an intense wave of fear and nausea, but it was no match for my awesome pirate skills, and my brain quickly beat it up and pillaged its lunch money. The fear was no indication of the actual terror before me, a 40-foot monstrosity with fangs dripping fresh blood (at least it wasn't bologne juice) and a row of spines running down its back.

The dance with death lasted for scant seconds, though it felt as though it were an eternity. He lunged at me, obviously aware that I sought my stolen sandwich. Having awesome hops, it was an easy attack to dodge, and I counter-attacked with a blast from boar rifle. The battle lasted for many more seconds, though I emerged the more valiant, clutching my sandwich as if it were the spear of destiny.

of Swords & Sorcery

Damn, D&D can be the shit sometimes. (In a good way) While it is by no means the best pen&paper roleplaying game (the matrix rpg), it can have its high points. For example, my friends and I were playing awhile back, and this is about what happened, according to my memory. I was the sorcerer, my cowardly fighter friend and I were hanging out in a deserted hallway having a chat while our friends fought for their lives against goblins and a particularily large ogre in the next room.

Temanin(fighter): Isn't Samus hot in Metroid Prime?
Xod(me): Well, I would have to agree, but she was wearing armor the whole game.
Temanin: Well, ya, but Samus is always hot.
Xod: I think Nintendo should have paired up with the people who made Dead or Alive on this one. The quality of the game would have been much higher.
Temanin: I agree.

:: A scream of pain from the next room ::

Temanin: You think we should do something?
Xod: Fiiiine.

:: Xod opens the door enough to cast a fireball into the room, then quickly shuts it. Flames waft under the door. This is accompanied by more screams. ::

Temanin: You idiot. I didn't mean a fireball, I was thinking more along the lines of thinking first.
Xod: That's your problem, you think too much. It's just think, think, think.

:: A scream of, "Oh God help me!" ::

Temanin: Well your problem is that you don't think at all, it's just impulse.

:: "Please? I am very badly burned..." ::

Temanin: Impulse, impulse, impulse.

:: "Anyone? Anyone at all?" ::

This is about the point where we walked into the room and found the charred husk of the ogre, a melted pool of refuse (presumably the ranger), and our thief huddled in a corner, covered in third-degree burns.

Temanin: Man, when Jeremy gets back from the bathroom and finds out his rogue is dead, he's gonna kick your ass.
Xod: He can try. What is he, 4 feet tall?
Kyle (DM): Man, you suck. Now we gotta start a new campaign, you idiot. This is just like the time Tyler's level 20 fighter got hit by a cart and died.

Cheeseburger, Hold the Penguin

Every so often, I hear some dude or dudette make the claim that penguins are awesome. This is of course untrue. As 600 pounds of killing fury, they could have easily obliterated the human race by now, or simply served as expendable labor in Mexico. But no, they deign to stay in their Antarctic homes. Why? Because they are stoopad. As we all know, they have infinitesimal-sized brains - about the size of grenades. Or perhaps they are grenades. It is impossible to know for sure.

But maybe my theories are incorrect. Perhaps it is just the fact that their fangs are prized on the black market that keeps them away from humans. Or maybe it's just their would-be proximity to carnies, politicians, and smelly hippies were they to come among us. Whatever the case, those birdlike carnivores make me uneasy. Always looking down on us as if to declare their superiority. Well I'm not gonna take it. No, I'm not gonna take it. We're not gonna take it ... anymore.

Optimus Prime killed my Savior

As a fine-upstanding part of society, I make it my sovereign duty to always point out to Jewish people that they killed my savior. (Well, actually it was the Romans, but you gotta blame somebody who counts, right?)

On the whole, losing Jesus was a great loss for society. Being the party-going practicioner of Hang-gliding and Quake 3 that he was, there was a great social impact that accompanied his tragic loss. First off, it caused a new wave of idiots to be born. That's right, the vatican. *Cringe.

Which brings me to my next point. The current pope is dying (at such a young age too) and he needs a successor. The obvious candidate would be Optimus Prime, were he not Jewish. So we need someone who can institute a new wave of terror, like the vatican from the middle ages. This is why I propose that we send a representative to the future, preferably Marty McFly, so we can have a Terminator for the Pope. And it has to be played by Schwarzenegger, not that pussy T1000. The T3000 was hot though, but that's not the point. And to sweeten the deal for the vatican, we could always include three autographed sets of Arnold Fitness Manuals from 1976. How could they refuse.

The Year of the Green Chicken

Well, this year is the year of the rooster on the 12 year cycle of chinese years. What a shitty animal to base your year on. I have a feeling that this year is going to suck. Last year, being the year of the monkey, was kickin' awesome if I do say so myself (which I do). Now what do I have to look forward to? The year of the animal that makes up chicken wings and hot dogs? This sucks. At least the monkey tasted good. Chicken just takes like shit. Very processed shit. I can't take this.

So you know what we have to look forward to, here is a prediction from a popular magazine about this year. "Roosters find themselves crying metaphorically "Who will help me make this bread?""
...
What the fuck is that!?! I'm not even asian, but the year of the "perfectionist rooster" is a severe disappointment. I vote that the chicken be remanded without bail, until such time as a new animal can be chosen; at which point he will have his head chopped off and be forced to wander aimlessly until he's hit by a car or robbed by a hobo who has yet to lay off the hooch. Me, I recommend the common sloth. It would be a year of supreme lazy. I mean, look at them. They live in trees and only come down once a week to defecate, taking a break from Halo and Final Fantasy 7. They also like rock music. Recent studies prove it.